by Lara Marriott
My mind is playing tricks on me
even though I’m okay
I can’t be fooled; I’ve got this
Yet a dejavu takes me away
down the wrong path
To a place I wished I didn’t visit again
It is dark and deceptive
cold as sin
A spiral staircase leading to black
How did I get here?
I can’t walk back
It is drawing me in
I can’t get out
There is nothing I can do
I am the victim now…
No I am not. I’ve been told a lie
I will take back my life
one step at a time
I can get back out if I climb
I am not the victim
I can see the light coming into view
It is getting bigger and strengthening my will
I don’t need to swallow the world
I can’t handle more
There are so many things to be thankful for
Just take one day to the next
God says to my mind
I need to trust that He sees;
There is purpose to find
I will not be the victim
I am climbing back up
My resolve is to reflect
my Creator’s love
I am not the victim…anymore!
(this has been revised) 😉
Have you ever dealt with mind games? I have. I do. Some days are worse than others. Today for some strange reason I allowed myself to be down and full of fear. I felt paralyzed and unmotivated. Thankfully, a dear person in my life suggested I did something redemptive and purposeful to take my mind off of myself. So this poem was what I came up with. I don’t know if it will encourage anyone else, but it felt great to be creative and get my thoughts out. If you ever need prayer, please let me know. It is never good to go through these kinds of things alone.
This blog title is cracking me up right now because if you know anything about ENFPs, we are not planners or strategizers by nature. However, we do need to step back from life at times and recenter ourselves to make sure we are moving in the right direction. What does this look like for me? Well, I am in casual clothes, surrounded by mess, with my planner open. I have resolved not to move from this spot until I have come up with a plan and a focus!
I love being an ENFP. I wouldn’t have it any other way. The only down side is that as an ENFP I have many different interests and ping-pong from one to next; often. This is unfortunate because I never really feel like I am an achiever. Remember that phrase, “Jack of all trades, master of none?” That’s how I feel right now. For some of you making goals and plans comes effortlessly. You actually thrive making lists and check boxes, but for me, that gives me a headache which makes me want to lie down and go to sleep.
If you saw me right now you would probably think I was being extremely unproductive and lazy. There are so many things to get done around the house, how could I be so selfish with my time. At least this is what I think you would perceive. I am feeling the guilt, but this is the only way for me to make any headway when it comes to thriving as an ENFP.
You see, I am a homeschool mom who is with my kids almost 24/7. I spend a lot of my time with them doing our own thing that I forget to change it up and get out, meeting new people, experiencing new things. My kids are the exact opposite than me. So they would rather stick with a routine, maybe even stay home. There are many projects around our house that are on my mental “to do” list that seem to keep me to myself and are endless weekly tasks. It’s like a rat race in my own home. I am also a songwriter. This has the tendency to become an introverted profession since it requires a lot of quiet, focused time to develop and refine a song.
So I have many things in my life where I am not thriving as an ENFP. I need to balance those things with activities that bring me a lot of fulfillment and joy. Hence, I will stay here, picketing my cause, until I can come up with a plan that will help me continue to be the person God has created me to be. I don’t want to apologize for being who I am. I want to use everything I have to bless others and to feel God’s pleasure.
For the past couple of weeks I have been in a funk. There are so many things in my life to be thankful for; however, I am finding myself melancholy most of the time. It amazes me how our emotions can really take control of our minds and paralyze us. Have you ever felt this way? Instead of being proactive about my life’s situations, I have wanted to crawl back in bed and sleep.
I know this is not a healthy behavior and so I am wanting to get to the bottom of it! Here are a few things I have been pondering lately that I wanted to share with you.
- I’ve allowed myself to get into unhealthy daily routines. Instead of working out in the morning and taking a shower, I have instead scratched the working out part completely and waited until the middle of the day to get ready. I have told myself and my husband that I am too tired in the mornings to work out and that our kids need me in the morning, hence I take care of their needs before my own. This routined behavior has not been for my benefit or the benefit of my family.
- I’ve forgotten how I used to have fun before having kids. This sounds awful I know, but it’s true. I am 38 and my life has been consumed with meeting the needs of those around me instead of figuring out what I enjoy doing as well. There was a day recently when I took my daughter out to have our nails manicured. I NEVER do this! It’s too much money. I could be using this money to buy clothes for the kids, etc. But I have to tell you, it was a really nice experience. We also took my husband out to go zip-lining for his birthday. He asked me to go on it with him and the kids, but I chickened out and became the picture taking, items holding momma that watched from the sidelines, wishing I would have said yes. I need to be more intentional about scheduling fun into my life.
- Water & Vitamins! I didn’t realize how amazing water was until I found myself in the backseat of my car dizzy and dehydrated because I drank a huge cup of coffee and barely any water that day. That one “little” episode cost my husband to come back to the church to drive me home, which put me in bed lethargic for three days! That behavior cost me and my family a lot! I also had forgotten the importance of taking vitamins everyday. Hey, I’m a busy homeschool mom, I don’t have time to remember everything on my “To Do” list! Not a good enough answer! When I was younger I didn’t need to think about taking vitamins. The bouncing back rate was extremely high. Now, I need to have a reality check. I am getting older. My body is changing and it needs to be replenished with water and vitamins daily in order to function properly.
- Sleep. Oh sleep, how I’ve longed to be in your arms all night long! This has been a great struggle for me this past year. Our sleeping environment is not the greatest right now. Plus, again I’m not who I once was when I was in my 20s. The biggest culprit for my sleep deprivation has been my cell phone. If I can’t sleep, it’s like my phone is whispering into my ear, “Come check me out. You can listen to podcasts, you can read the Bible, you can go on Facebook. I don’t care what you do as long as you look into my screen and wake up your brain!” This bad habit has got to stop immediately!
- Spending more quality and quiet time with the Lord. I do have times throughout the day when I am worshipping Him, reading His word, and praying, but I can do more. I need to schedule alone times with God daily that are not on Periscope 😉 He is my Rock! He is the manna I need in order to be nourished and refreshed.
- Lastly, trusting God COMPLETELY with EVERY detail of my life. Ever time I do this, I feel His peace that surpasses all understanding. Fear is a daily struggle for me that loves to come and torment my emotions, but trusting in God dispels ALL fear!
I knew I needed to write a new blog post, but I was stuck until I decided to be completely honest and transparent with where I am finding myself right now. Today is a new day! I made myself workout (I hated every minute of it), take a shower, had lots of water, and took my vitamins. I do have a bag of caramel popcorn right beside me that I have been chomping on (baby steps), but I feel better moving a few steps forward in the right direction.
No matter where we are in life, there are times when we will somehow get into a rut like I have, not knowing how we got there or how to get out. Thankfully, our lives are made up of seasons and marathons, not snow storms and sprints. God is so gracious to give us do-overs every 24 hours to start again. I am committed to moving myself in the right direction. Please hold me accountable. If you are going through the same thing right now, you are not alone. Please let me know and I will be praying for you, encouraging you to keep moving forward towards joy, peace, hope and love.
The kids and I learned about how to write in a Walt Whitman style. This was my attempt. I really like how this poem expressed what was on my heart and wanted to share it with you. = )
The Life I Play
written by Lara Marriott
I play each day with a ball of hope
Excited to bounce it playfully along
Streets of new ideas and new adventures discovered
I play each day with a resilient heart
A jump rope of challenge that moves me up and down
To more health, more knowledge, and more proven successes
I play each day to the beat of a drum
Reminding me I am alive and human
I can excel with each thump, thump, thump
I play each day because I live for as long as God’s ruler measures
My life will be a determined playground
A fun-loving experience where joy, love, and hope abound
I play because playing is fun!
I had a mom ask me what scripture verses I used for our homeschool Bible journals I put together this year. So here is a list of them for this quarter. I mistakenly said we had 40, but now that I am looking at the journal, we’ve written down 20 so far. Hope this list will be encouraging and helpful.
Bible Journal Scripture Verses
1. Proverbs 22:6
2. 2 Corinthians 13:14
3. 1 John 4:19
4. 1 John 3:18
5. 1 John 3:3
6. Proverbs 3:5
7. Psalm 138:1
8. Isaiah 29:13
9. John 3:16
10. Psalm 146:6
11. 2 Peter 1:5-8
12. Ephesians 6:10-11
13. Psalm 46:10
14. Psalm 27:8
15. 1 Thessalonians 5:15
16. John 1:1
17. John 3:30
18. Psalm 23:1 (actually the whole chapter ; ) )
19. Galatians 5:22-23
20. Psalm 27:1
If you are excited about these scripture promises to give to your kids or to just hold dear to your own heart, then join my blog or send me your email address so I can put you on my email list. I’m going to be working on something to offer you that I think you’ll really enjoy!!
http://www.laramarriott.com & Itunes
I tried going back to my old blog account, but it didn’t quite work out. So I am back.
I want this post to represent a fresh start. This blog is going to incorporate everything that makes me; me. I am a mom; so I will be blogging about my mommy days. I homeschool our kids; so I will be posting about that new adventure in our lives. I am a worship leader (in-training) lol; so I will be posting about my experiences as I continue to lead others in worshiping our Lord Jesus Christ. I am pursuing my relationship with the Holy Spirit, the comforter who Jesus gave to us as a constant companion and friend; so I will be blogging about Him and how amazing He is as He leads me through each day.
Some of you might think those topics are too scattered and I should just blog about one subject, but that is not me. This blog is to share all that I am journeying through. I LOVE to encourage others. I believe that is one of my spiritual gifts! It is my hope and prayer that what I share glorifies Jesus first and foremost and also encourages others who might be going through similar things. I had many people throughout my life encourage me and help shape me to be the woman I am becoming.
I am looking forward to being honest and myself.
www.laramarriott.com & itunes